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Letters from Ghana FROM GHANA, EMAIL #1: ____________________________________________
From: ibrahim shola
[mailto:ibruy2k@yahoo.com] Hi, How are you and the family? I hope everyone is fine? If so, I give thanks to God. I saw your contacts on the web and I felt led to contact you, believing that you will be of assistance. Before I go further, I will like to introduce myself to you. I am Ibro Ismael, the son of the late Chief Hamza Ismael who was the chairman of the Hamzael gold mining company here in Ghana. Before his death after he cotracted an heart attack, last year December (Year 2000) he made me understand that there was some certain money, he kept in a security house, here in Ghana which belongs to his business partner in Saudi Arabia. The money were supposed to be used for some business in Ghana but unfortuately for the man he died in a motor accident in Saudi Arabia. The money is estimated to be about twenty-five million US Dollars ( $25m). The documents backing the money are with me now. I have been to the security house to verify the existence of the money on monday (15th July,2002)and I found out that it was true. What I need right now from you is that you should come and stand as my father's business partner so that the monies can be claimed and a negotiation will be made between you and me on the percentage you'll need and I can assure you that the money will be transfered into your personal account for safety. Only promise me that you will be honest enough to be trusted. If you could be of help, do not hesitate to reply this mail. I am confiding in you and please, keep all that is discussed hear confidential. I hope to hear from you soonest.
Best Regard, FROM DOGZINE, EMAIL #2: ____________________________________________
From:
Dogzine Dear Ibro, I apologize for not replying sooner, but I had not had an opportunity to check my email the past couple of days. I must say that I was very saddened to hear of your Father’s death. My step-Father also died of a heart attack - on New Year’s day. He wanted to “bring in” the New Year with a bang, and did just that. Unfortunately, the whore ran off with his wallet afterwards and charged over $3000 US dollars on his Mastercard at a Truck Stop in New Jersey the very next day. That’s a hell of a lot of belt buckles and Nascar hats... I am quite flattered that you have asked me to participate in this business venture which I am very interested in. I have been somewhat dissatisfied with my life recently and am ready for some action. I went to a psychic the other day and she said I was a violent person that liked to escape from reality by watching a lot of television. Well, that pissed me off, so I promptly slapped her down, then went home and watched that annoying series “The Anna Nicole Show” for two hours. Why would I watch two hours of that stupid show to escape my reality? You know what I’m saying Ibro? Stupid psychic. Anyway, give me some idea of what you have planned. No problem keeping this confidential. I don’t kiss and tell, right baby? Not that I’m implying I want to kiss you, just using a metaphor... sweet-cheeks. Let’s swap spit and get this thing started (the business deal)! And give my best to your family as well.
With warmest
regards, P.S. My friends call me “Dog”. Please feel free to call me by this name as I now consider you a close friend. FROM GHANA, EMAIL #3: ____________________________________________
From:
ibrahim shola Dear, Dog. I recieved your message today, although i have be expecting to hear from you since all these days, am very sorry for all what happen to your step father overthere. Well, what i want you to come and do for me now, is that i want you to come down, for claiming of the consignment and after we collect it out of the security company the two of us we move together at the same day to your country with the money. The plan i have on these money is that when we reach your country we find a reliable business to invest on with the money. Moreover, all the Documents that prove it, all are well kept secure with me. Eventhough my father did not disclose it to the company that what inside the box is money he just tell them that the box was contain some precious item. Please,NOTE, nobody know except me because i don't have mother anymore she have die now past ten years and if you wanted to see the Document i can send it to you, do not hesitate to send me your personal phone andyour fax number when you are reply me these letter, because i we like to speak to you direct. PLS, and pls my brother let us keep everthing in secreet. My regards to all your family, waiting for your reply soonext.
THINKS.
From:
Dogzine My brother Ibro (can I just call you “Bro”?), I am giddy with excitement! I got so excited, I lost control and had to soak in a nice bubble bath to clean up. I love to pop the bubbles one by one... until that nasty Loch Ness monster surfaces. That’s when the popping stops, because Nessy is always angry and must be soothed before he begins thrashing in the water and disturbing the ducks and stuff... Sorry, I got side-tracked. So you want me to travel to Ghana? I am well read on Africa and quite knowledgeable of the land and cultures. Have you seen that movie called Roots? I dug it except for that Star Trek guy playing Kunte Kinte. That guy can’t act worth a damn. His character should have been named “Kunte Can’t Act Worth a Damn Kinte”, but that wouldn’t have been a proper traditional African name. The only thing I don’t like about Africa is abundance of machetes. I have this chronic fear of ordering a Big Mac at the local McDonalds at some city in Africa when all of sudden the guy in the back hacking up fries with a 24 inch machete decides I need to make a donation to his Special Sauce club, jumps over the counter and hacks my arms off so I can’t stop him from taking my money and pants. I lose control of my bladder and run out the door and down the street, but my balance is off because I don’t have any arms and I fall to the ground. I can’t break my fall so I hit face-first on the black-top which grinds my nose and lips totally off. I end up surviving and travel back to the US where I spend the rest of my life working in the primate section of the Chicago Zoo while routinely being slapped down by the apes and teased because they have fingers and I don’t. Fucking stupid apes. I have been thinking of a business we can invest in, and I think I have a good idea. I want to bring Blacksploitation back to modern cinema. Have you seen Melvin Van Pebbles 1971 epic “Sweet Sweetback’s Baadassss Song”? Damn, you missed out on the 70’s Bro! The revolution... the drugs... the money... the slick suits and leather jackets... and the sweet sweet ladies. There is some fine-lookin’ ass in this film. Not that I don’t think there is also fine ass in Ghana. Do you guys have an African version of “Girls Gone Wild”? All this talk is getting me hot. It’s about time for another bubble bath... You have to set me up with some of your foxy bitches when I get down there. Can you send me a couple of tasty photos of your finest? I must take a business trip tomorrow, but I will return Sunday. Let me know how you feel about all of this. We need to be conscious of each other’s feeling as we progress in our adventure. And email that document to me. I would like to look it over.
With honor and
respect, FROM GHANA, EMAIL #5: ____________________________________________
From: ibrahim shola Dear,Dog. I recieved your message, infact i was very happy to hear it from you that you have hear part of our story and part of our culture exspecialy(kunte kinte) that is the name of our africa cloth. Secondly about the machete all these useless behaviour can never everbe happen again in our life because everybody have understand and you no, everyday will learn more and how to behave decent in the midst of people. Although i am not affraid to follow you to your country because am the onesurpose to be fear of your country by transter that type of hudge found into yourcountry because everyday there is a riot but i am not think about all that i still cloose you as my god father. Well, seeing is believing but when you come down you we see all what am talking about, that africa have totaly change to a peaceful country, expecialy my country Ghana if you like you can even ask more about us from people, is only our top official people who were griddy.Think only about themselfs. Bye the way, let us talk about what to invest on now, and i like the idea you bring out that we should invest the money on the modern cinema, that's a good idea, Although it's your country you must know what to invest on than me, you no, you older than me too. Dog, Please, kindly help me out of this situation because i want the transaction to be very faster to aviod the demorage money in the security company which is increase day by day. Moreover, please try to play your side clean and clear to me, for me to have trust in you,because i don't no the reason why you refuse to give me your telephone number, please let me know your opinion. My regards to all your family overthere , looking to hear from you soonext. Please try to send me the phone number because i we like to speak with you direct on telephone.
THANKS.
FROM DOGZINE, EMAIL #6: __________________________________________
From:
Dogzine My brother Bro, I apologize for my reluctance to share my telephone number, but there is a reason for this. I have not yet completed my analysis of your proposed business deal, though I am very close to finishing, and the deal is looking better and better. I know that when I give you my telephone number, I will go all the way with this, but I just need a couple more days. Also, I am trying to obtain a cell phone, because I am quite confident my boss has tapped the phone in my house, tapes my conversations, then plays select portions in the Board meetings for everyone to hear. I know this is true, because the last time I went to a Board meeting, I arrived about 5 minutes late, and when I entered, everyone laughed at me. I want to chop them all up with a machete and consume their raw hearts. I am sorry for sharing my horrible work-life with you, but if our business deal works, I’ll be able to quit and never look back. I know you told me to keep this deal a secret for now, but I told my two children about it. They are only 3 and 4 ½ years old, so I hope it is OK with you. They didn’t have anything negative to say about it. But while I was talking with them , the 4 ½ year old shit himself (he has a hereditary sphincter muscle control condition that will require him to wear diapers his entire life), and the 3 year old just screamed and threw boogers all over the room. She has over-active sinuses and has to clear her nose a lot. Sometime I will take pictures of the wall where she has thrown her boogers. The abstract patterns they produce remind me of Pollock’s abstract art, and I think she may be a prodigy and will be famous one day for her unique style and choice of medium. Since I am already talking about family, I might as well mention my late wife who passed away last year after a botched breast implant surgery procedure. The doctor popped one of the saline bags while trying to get it into place and the entire 2 gallons of fluid flooded her chest cavity and collapsed her lungs. I tried to sue the doctor, but he countersued and won. I later found out that I had attended elementary school with my lawyer and had once beaten him unconscious for touching my jello square in the cafeteria. I had forgotten about that, but apparently he had not. I hope you don’t mind that I have shared a little about my family. I want to feel more open in our conversations so we can feel free to talk about anything. I would love to hear about your family. Bro, please give me three more days to finish my analysis of the proposed business deal before we start committing ourselves to this. By the way, I was serious about the sexy ladies in Ghana. If I knew there were a couple of ladies waiting for me down there, I would bust my ass to get a ticket reserved. Send me some pictures of those fine bitches! And don’t worry about whether they will be good enough, I’ll take whatever you can find for me. Show me some love! By the way, I have a friend who has a photography studio in Los Angeles where he has done work for Hustler, Big Jugs, Bootylicious, and The Dog Next Door. This may be the business we should invest in. We could create our own magazine for Africa, and fly down real 100% African ass to photograph to fill the pages. We could be the Hugh Hefners of Africa!!! Uhhh... I need to take a bubble bath. Send me that document Bro (and pics of the ladies) and take care.
Love and
respect, FROM GHANA, EMAIL #7: __________________________________________
From:
ibrahim shola Dear,Dog. How are you and your family and your business in general i hope all is fine.I we send the Documents to you when you send me the reply of these message because these is only hope that i have and i can not be play with it . I went to the security company today for some enquarie about the advanced payment of my father for safe keeping of the consignment. And they told me that my father have keep the consignment into their company since first November year 2000 and the advanced payment which was Deposited down by my father is ($12,780Dollar) which have due since (December 31st year 2001) it's just occupied 14 month only because the charges per day is($30Dollar). And this is what excertely inside the Documents. Now, we have be owning the company starting from January the begining of these year 2002 up till now, and the calculation they make me in the company today is from the January of these year up till today date August year 2002 all is $7, 320Dollar these is the reason while i want you to come down quick and collect it out of the company to aviod all these demorage fees. Although i have told them in the company that my uncle we soon come down for claiming of the consignment. So now Mr dog, i want to know how long will it take you to come down to ghana, because if we did not do these thing fast the debt will too much for some one to pay.But if you can give me the confidence on these payment i we be very cool and relax with you. Please let me see your reply soonext for me to send you the two documents but i can never send you the key of the box because that is my soul.But all are well kept secure with me. About the lady, i have a very beautiful one for you but she request for your pics before she can relise her own for me to send to you because she said she have to take a look of your structure. But she is a very beautiful girl.
THANKS.
FROM DOGZINE, EMAIL #8: __________________________________________
From: Dogzine My Brother Bro, Thank you for sharing the current situation with me. It appears we will need to make a small payment to keep the security company happy. That shouldn’t be a problem, but first, I would like to share something with you. We have been very open and honest with each other which I think is vital when initiating a business venture such as the one we are about to embark on. But there is one last thing about myself I feel that I need to share – my occupation. I am an aspiring televangelist. I am not sure if those in Africa know what an American televangelist is, so allow me to define it for you: I seek to share the word of God with the world through the medium of television. I am quite certain this is my destiny. You see, I had a vision the other day while having my penis pierced for a ring. It was a vision of God. At first I was afraid to gaze upon his countenance, then I looked anyway because I was curious. And behold, he had a glorious comb-over that flowed from the right side of his head to his left ass cheek. I began to cry uncontrollably, then ripped my clothes off in anguish. In doing so, my seminary graduation ring hooked by new penis ring and ripped it from it’s fresh wound. It eventually healed, but it now resembles a hot dog that was microwaved to long and I have to piss sitting down because I have a permanent split-stream. I'm sure there is a reason this happened, it just hasn't been revealed to me yet... I am currently interning with the current so-called ‘king’ of the business, Benny Hinn, which I can’t understand because he sucks. My comb-over is twice as long as his, and I wear mascara. Boom! Beat that Benny, you little bitch. God, I want to chop him up with a machete. I can’t wait to break away from his ministry and start my own. I think God delivered you to me to give me the means to break away from Benny the Bitch and start my own thing. I have tried to convince Tammy Faye to join me in my rise to power, but she stopped returning my calls a few weeks ago. Bro, you should see her when she gets naked and quotes Revelations. That's kinky baby... Well, there it is. I feel much better now. I am sorry for sharing so much, but why haven’t you shared more of your life with me? Are you starting to have second thoughts about... us? I feel that you are since you have not yet sent the documents. Hasn’t my openness with you been enough to convince you of my sincerity? Have you seen the picture of the African guy with elephantitus of the left testicle, who sits on it like a bouncy ball? I think I can get a ticket to Ghana fairly quickly but I need the name of the city and airport so I can make the arrangements. Please trust me and send me those documents so I can look them over.
Love me. Praise
me. FROM DOGZINE, EMAIL #9: __________________________________________
From: Dogzine Bro? Why haven’t you replied to my last message? Are you seeking someone else for the business arrangement? Was I not good enough? Did I talk too much? Please talk to me. Benny found out about my plan to start my own television program and fired me. Of course, he said it was due to required ‘down-sizing’ due to the current poor economic environment, but I know the real reason. Tammy won’t talk to me. Everything is crashing down. I’m alone Bro. I’ve been locked in my house for the past three days with 4 gallons of milk, one watermelon, one pound of marijuana and a water bong. I need for this deal... our deal, to work out. Where are you??? Why hast thou forsaken me!?!?!? FROM GHANA, EMAIL #10: __________________________________________
From:
ibrahim shola Dear, Dog. Iam verily, verily sorry for keeping you waiting since all these days. The reason is that i was seriously attack with (maleria fever) that is while i dont have an access to computer atall, but i am now getting better and according to a proverb which said(man propose but god dispose). Am very sorry for that ,Mr Dog I thank you for all the experience which you have be shering with me since all these day about your life history, that's the twoDocuments which embark the found, one, the certificate of deposite and second the letter of power of anthony which was issue from ghana high-court, all have send to you now, check and look it over. Anyway not that, i don't have trust in you, but you know, i have to observe some certain things before i would declare everything to you, because these is only thing i inherite from my parents before the both of them die. Although i am a young guy of 26 years of age am in my second class at federal polithecnic accra-ghana before my father lost his ghost, and before he die he have a seriously sickness which cost us to said all our property, in aim that my father we recover from the sickness but it's unfortunately for him. So since then i have to stop my education. This is the reason while i have to be very careful of these found, for me not to fall into the hand of wrong people and i can asure you that when we claim it out of the company and move together to your country, am not sure that i can come back to africa anymore. That is the reason, i have be watching people since all these day before i decided to contact you because i have to look for a veryresponsible and trust worthy some one to brough me-up and act to me like my father because my father is an action man when he was alive, and i hope that you are capable enough to do all these for me without any hesitation. I hope you feel much better now, to hear part of my life histostry. Pls and Pls Mr Dog, you no, am always saying that these is the only hope that i have, kindly plain with me as i be to you. Please let me know the day of your arrival, So that i can be prepared myself down although we don't have so much problem with the company again because i have done a lot what is remain for us now, is to went there pay our debt and collect our consignment out.THE CITY AM IN IS ACCRA-GHANA, THE NAME OF THE AIRPORT ,IS KOTOKA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ACCRA GHANA. And if you like you can even call the company for more information about the consignment but let it be on behalf of my father name cheif HAMUZA ISMAEL direct line to the manager of the company is 00233-27-535305 the name is mr, p. h. ANDREW. THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. Am looking foward to hear you soonext.
THANKS.
FROM DOGZINE, FINAL EMAIL: _____________________________________
From:
Dogzine Dear Mr. Shola, My name is Agent Smithacker with the Federal Bureau of Investment. Our Internet Investment Investigation software has detected specific verbage in your correspondence with a Ben Dogzine, AKA “Dog”, that requires us to review the proposed business deal to determine how the Federal Government can get a piece of your profits. The Bureau would like to send me and another Agent to Accra within the next three days to talk with you. Also, we noticed a huge number of mis-spellings in your email correspondence and in the documents you attached to your most recent email. To show our sincerity, we would like to bring and present to you a parrot to assist you with your English. You can reply to this email address. Since we are now intercepting all emails going to and from the Dog, we will receive your response and reply promptly. Please respond in the next 24 hours, or we will have to add Ghana to the “Axis of Evil”. Also, we will need the following when we land in Ghana and would appreciate it if you would supply it:
1 Bright Hot
Lamp Thank you for your time.
With Regards,
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