 Please, I'm not angry... |
 |
||||
|
|
|
|
|||
|
Letters From Remond (a true story) FROM REMOND, EMAIL #1: ____________________________________________
From: remond
coleman [mailto: remond_coleman17@yahoo.com]
FROM: Remond
Coleman Dear Sir, Noob I know my message will come to you as a surprise. I wish to write you this letter of assistance believing that you will not betray the trust I'm to impose to you By brief introduction, I am Remond Coleman the only son of Mr Johnson Colemen former chief of defense-staff of(Republic of Guinea Bissau). I got your contact from a business magnet who told me to fill free to do any business with you that you are truthful and trustworthy and also your capability of handling this business. He made me to surmise totally that you must be such an erudite businessman full of ingenuity and human resources management. My late father was killed just last Two year December following his role as a rebel leader against the past government of guinea Bissau. Following this political crisis, I and my mother were forced to live our country to Abidjan the capital city of Cote d'Ivoire for our dear life. It is here in Abidjan he deposited ONE METALLIC TRUNK BOX in a Security Company. He registered it as an African Artworks as belonging to his foreign business partner who will come with the keys for the claim of the consignment. He did not disclose to the Security Company the real content of the box. The box contain US$ 18.000.000.00 ( Million United States Dollars ). To be honest with you, this is the only legacy left for me by my father which I am with the certificate of deposit and other necessary documents regarding this deposit. I want to front you as the bonafide beneficiary of the consignment and claim the consignment for onward transfer of the Fund to your Bank Account abroad for onward investment in your Country. We have decided to offer you 10% of the total sum of the money mecellaneous expenses you may incur on the cause of this transaction. On the notice of your willingness To assist me, I will tell you the modalities we shall follow to ensure a smooth hitch-free transaction. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best regards
NB: Please send
an email to me or you call me on my direct number: +225 07 61 18 35 as soon
as you receive this message for more briefing and also I want to invest in
your country. REPLY TO REMOND, EMAIL #2: ________________________________________
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com Mr. Coleman, I must admit that your message was quite a surprise. Obviously, my frequent international travels have allowed me to meet many wealthy and influential businessmen, but I am flattered that any of them would recommend that I help you in this honorable endeavor. I am very to sorry to hear about your father. I too have experienced the recent loss of family - my second cousin died last week after 102 straight days of copulation in a house of prostitution in Tijuana Mexico. They told me it was a heart attack, but I think he was assisting the Chiapas Indian rebels in the south by attaining sponsors for his scrog-a-thon and channeling the funds to the rebels through corrupt politicians. I surely want to help you attain the legacy left by your father, but my efforts will cost you 20% of the total sum. You see, I am a lawyer for children that have been molested by Catholic priests in the US, so my time is very very valuable. Also, I would like a photo of you to frame and display on my fireplace mantel alongside the photos of my African children. Do you know Sally Struthers? If you do, don't tell her about this. She is such a fat pig, she would probably use the money to buy enough chocolate syrup and ice cream to fill the Tse Tse lake in Zimbabwe. Please respond quickly. I am currently not prosecuting any cases, but I know those priests won't keep their greasy hands out of alter-boy underoos for too long.
With warmest
regards to my new friend and associate, FROM REMOND, EMAIL #3: ____________________________________________
From: remond
coleman
Dear, Noob, I thank you for your email and your responds to my request. I thank you for your email, and for you to understand my situation and making up your mind to assist me, may the Good Lord bless you more. I have read you email and the content well understood. But before I tell what to do, I will like to let you know much about my family and our situation as of now. Presentely, our family is down, down in every angle that you may look at it, but the question is why?. Since the death of my father,my mother has been very sick and this her sickness has cost us alot of money, for us to keep her alive, Her body and blood pressure is alway high, that she spend most of her days in hospital, as I am writing this email , she is at the hospital, we have spend a lot of money on her, that our family is down financially, we have loose all that my late father left for us, because of her illness, as of now we don't even have money to buy her the durgs that is needed for her health, but the only thing and money that is left for the family, is the money that is kept in the security company by my late father. We have went to the security company to collect these money , but the security company has refused to release this money to us, why? They said that the Deposit certificate of the money bears the Name of my late father, that they will not release it to us , only if we effect the change on the deposit certificate , directly to our name. Our family is down , we can not afford to pay, for the change of the deposit certificate, and to change this certificate to our name, is very very important. There is noting we can do , unless we change the deposit certificate. This is the problem that we are having, If you are willing to help us, we will accept to change the certificate to your name, so that you will be in contorl of the money, and insturctions will be coming from your side. so this certificate have to be changed immedaitly, so that we will be in contorl of the money, What do you think? If we change the deposit certificate, we can conclude as soon as possible.
Waiting for your
reply. REPLY TO REMOND, EMAIL #4: ________________________________________
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com Remond, I hope you will forgive me for addressing you by your first name, but I feel that you have become more than a mere acquaintance to me. We have become brothers. I feel your pain and suffering and I cry as you cry. I thank you for your blessing, but I feel I must tell you that I worship only Satan, who has blessed me with success and women, and has led you to me so that I may assist you and bring happiness to your family. I know this may seem a little strange, but I need for you to pledge your life to Satan before we can continue our business venture. If you have any reservations about doing this, look at the Middle East situation and the latest crisis in the Catholic church. I became very very distraught after reading about the condition of your dear Mother. When you wrote that her body is always high, I understood, because my body is also very high a lot of the time. You see I have a problem with cocaine which I absorb through my anus. It is killing me, but Satan tells me I must continue doing it. I asked Satan if I could start taking it through the nose like everyone else, but he said "no" without explanation. He can be a real dick sometimes. By the way, Satan is telling me that you need to let stop paying for your Mother's high blood pressure treatments and watch her head explode. I'm not sure what he means by this, but he tells me you will understand. If you need money, all you have to do is ask. Since most of my fortune is currently invested in stocks and properties, I would like to wait to receive the money from your Father's deposit, then will send you what you need for your Mother (of course, after receiving proper justification), so it is imperitive that we hurry to have your Father's certificate changed to my name. So, in the wise words of Chairman Mao, "CHOP CHOP muta fucka! Let's get this ting on!" I eagerly await your response.
Humbly yours, FROM REMOND, EMAIL #5: ____________________________________________
From:
remond coleman Dear, Noob, I thank you for your word, in this present day , it does not matter how you make your money, some people do make money from God others from satan, not how far but how well.
Since
you have made up your mind to assist me, I will like to ask you one thing,
which is very important, and the question is, Have you agreed on the
$2,000,000.00 that my family has agreed to offer you? The the next step is for you to contact the security company where the money is, and they will help us in changing of the deposit certificate to your name and the money will be transferred to your account that you will provide. The contact information of the security company is as follows:
Name :
Assistance 2000 security company. I want you to contact the security company and the will tell you how to effect the change on the deposit certificate to your name. As soon as you contact the security company , please let me, though, I have told the security company that my parthern will be contacting them.
Please
do that, and get back to me. REPLY TO REMOND, EMAIL #6: ________________________________________
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com Remond, I apologize for my delayed response. I stepped outside the other night to take a bag of trash to the curb, and saw something quite alarming: a winged humanoid creature that stood about 7 feet tall with red gleaming eyes like bicycle reflectors. It's chest was coated with peanut butter and partially covered with slices of sandwich bread. To my surprise, I seemingly lost control of my body and urinated. The next thing I know, I woke up in my bed and it was morning. I couldn't remember what had happened until I turned over and there was a loaf of sandwich bread and a jar of peanut butter RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! The memory of this event makes my scalp itch. Anyway, I am feeling better now though slightly dazed and ready to proceed with our arrangement. First, I need for you to confirm our agreement which is that I will keep 20% of the money represented with the deposit certificate which totals $3,600,000.00. As a symbolic token of my appreciation, I will now return one dollar of this sum in advance, so I should now receive $3,599,999.00. Actually, I just despise zeroes. They are evil and malicious. If we are in agreement, then I will contact the security company for further instructions. I'm feeling a lot of love from Guinea my brother. By the way, are the pigs over there really tiny and hairy? Little hairy balls of bacon running wild... tasty.
Your
trusted friend, FROM REMOND, EMAIL #7: ____________________________________________
From:
Dear, Noob, I have read your email, and the content well understood. Well, I have spoke with my mother, and she has agreed to offer you the $3,600,000.00. as you requested, she said that you can go ahead and contact the security company, so that this transaction will be completed as soon as possible.
Thank
you and Satan bless. REPLY TO REMOND, EMAIL #8: ________________________________________
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com
Remond,
your name and email address didn't appear in your last email! That is really
freaking me out!!! Is this some sort of omen? Is Satan trying to tell me
something? Is this business deal tainted? Please tell me something to assure
me that everything is OK. I just sent an email of inquiry to Mr Kojos. Do
you have peanut butter in your country? Are you synthetic? Why is there
chicken skin all over the floor? I just need some air... I just can't
breathe... FROM REMOND, EMAIL #9: ____________________________________________
From:
remond coleman Dear, Noob, I thank you for your effort in contacting the security company, I will await your reply as soon as they replied you, you also said that you didn't see my email on my last email, that might be a poor network, you know this is Africa, not US or the WEST, please bear with me. I think that I have had about this peanut butter , but I don't know what is it.
Remain
Satan bless. TO SECURITY COMPANY, EMAIL #10: ___________________________________
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com Dear Mr Kojos Williams, By now, I am assuming that Mr Remond Coleman, the son of the venerable Mr Johnson Colemen, has informed you of his intent to have his father's deposit certificate changed to my name so that I may retain the stored African artworks.
I need
the following before I can proceed: If all of the requested information cannot be supplied, we will not be able to proceed. As soon as this process is concluded, I will arrange with FedEx and other associated Shippers to have the box picked up, contents confirmed, and then shipped to my associates in Miami, USA, to be traded for two condoms and a box of smokes. Thank you for your time.
Regards, REPLY FROM SECURITY COMPANY, EMAIL #11: _________________________
From:
assist2000@worldemail.com
Attention :Mr. Noob, We of the Assistance 2000 security company , are in receipt of your email of Apr/27/2002. Following your request on the effect on the Change on the DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE to your name in reference of Mr Remond Coleman/ late Mr Johnson Coleman, The father, our requirements are as follows:
(1) We
need your first, three pages of your international passport . And this is how the money will be spent: We have to go to the national Police here to get some clearance, and for the endorsement of our company's classified documents , for the change of the deposit certificate, and we will spend the sum of $200.00(Two hundred dollars) . From the police to the Ministry of Justice to get some clearance, and also for the endorsement of our company's classified documents , for the change of the deposit certificate, and we will spend the sum of $300.00(three hundred dollars). From the Ministry of Justice to national court of law where our company lawyer will take an oath on your behalf, before the court will issue the final order to effect the change on the deposit certificate to your name, and we will spend the sum of $300.00( three hundred dollars) . That is $200 + $300 + $300 = $800. Total . To complete this process will take us two days to effect the change on the deposit certificate to your name as soon as we have all these informations /requirements . If any other questions, please do contact us.
Best
regards, TO SECURITY COMPANY, EMAIL #12: ___________________________________
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com Mr. Kojos, I am sorry to inform you that I cannot meet your requirements for the following reasons: 1) I have an international passport, but I ran out of toilet paper just the other day and, by pure chance, used the first three pages of it to wipe my ass. Since I never flush paper down the toilet, I threw it in a nearby trash can. I recovered the pages, but I must of worked out something particularly funky that fateful morning, because all of the writing has been etched off of the paper. Send me your address so I can send the pages to you so you'll know what I am talking about. I do have another passport, but it is not international, only domestic and necessary for traveling through Kansas, so it is obviously unacceptable. 2) I can no longer complete applications because I lost my hands while fighting in the Vietnam War. I would have someone take my dictation (definitely my preference), but I am mute as well. I ruined my voice box after it became infected when I chewed my lips off and the flesh stuck in my throat and rotted. I'm not too pretty now, but I can sure work an ear of corn. 3) I will not have any "data" in two months as the CIA has decided to "relocate" me due to some complications I experienced while operating as a double-agent with the "thisscami-spath-etic" indians in southern Mexico. 4) I have recently lost my vast fortune after being duped by Bill Gates to donate everything to his "Save Africa" organization. He promised me that in return, he would use the techniques he learned in Microsoft to force all peanut butter and sandwich bread companies out of business. I know this will not make sense to you, but just understand that I believe it would prevent a large-scale alien invasion of this planet. By the way, after Gates saves Africa, please don't feel obliged to buy Microsoft products. So as you can see, it looks as though we will have to conclude our business and correspondence.
Thank
you for your time, and Satan bless.
From:
dogzine@earthlink.com Remond, I have found the requirements of the Assistance 2000 Security Company to be unnacceptable, and currently unattainable. My correspondence with Mr. Kojones is attached for your reference. I now obviously have no choice but to stop all social and business activities, huddle in the corner of my bedroom, and wait for the damn aliens. I can smell the fucking peanut butter already. Please understand that we do not have much longer to enjoy our freedom. I can't seem to control myself any longer. I think they are controlling me. I just wanted you to know that I am synthetic, not you.
With a
tearful and sorrowful farewell,
|
|||||
|
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Thank you for visiting. To those offended by the content, we apologize. To all others, come back and see us. © 2001 - All Rights Reserved |
||||
