You’ve seen the bumper stickers and necklace charms – WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?).  It seems to be the latest way for people to visibly show how pious they are by, supposedly, indicating that they manage their lives by trying to emulate the lifestyle of Jesus Christ.  Let me ignore the obvious blasphemy such a claim represents on the majority of people who brandish such tokens.  Instead, I want to focus on just how Jesus would behave if placed back on Earth 20 centuries after his death.  Just think, a lot of things have changed since his time on Earth and his actions may be different than these people think.  I know that before I would consider following the WWJD lifestyle, I would have a clear vision in my mind of ol’ JC’s activities in 2002.  With this in mind, I offer the following answers to the WWJD question for you to ponder:

• JC would convince women that the “immaculate conception” was biblical slang for anal sex;

• JC would bet people that he could walk on water to get free drinks at seaside bars;

• JC would tell women that he would “save” them if they gave him RH (Road Head);

• JC would convince Britney Spears that she could remain a virgin if she had sex with him and would seal the deal during Britney’s “Jesus Lives Tour”;

• JC would tell women that having sex with any members of the boy bands (‘Nsync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, etc.) would be a mortal sin for which they would go directly to hell;

• JC would run up big debts with bookies in Vegas and then, when the heat was on, stage his death.  Of course, three days later, JC would be seen on the strip doubling down at a Blackjack table with a hooker on his arm;

• JC would become a WWF wrestler whose signature move is “The Crucifix”;

• JC would demand restitution from Italy for the crimes against him in antiquity, with interest, thus assuring himself of immense wealth;

• JC would ask girls at the bar if they wanted to experience a “miracle”;

• JC would challenge Osama bin Laden to a death match and, after bitch slapping Osama, put an end to the debate of who was the greater prophet, JC or Muhammad;

• JC would drink heavily around Easter in memory of the ultimate “bad day”;

• JC would shave away his beard in favor of the “soul patch” a la Apollo Ohno;

• JC would identify Elvis as the devil incarnate because he was jealous that The King nailed Priscilla Presley and Cybil Sheppard while he was “stuck” upstairs;

• JC would reveal his secret affair with the Olsen twins (Mary Kate and Ashley) because he was tired of their “goody two shoes” attitude and thought that Full House really sucked;

• JC would tell the world that John Stamos was gay so he could get a piece of that hot ass, Rebecca Romaine Stamos;

• JC would go on week-long alcohol benders in Salt Lake City once a year just to piss off the Mormons;

• JC would start playing guitar in a rock band in hopes of getting a chance to “go biblical” on Pam Anderson;

• JC would revise the “Ten Commandments” and tell everyone that they were really just supposed to be party rules.  If you broke one of them, everyone called you a “sinner” and you had to slam your beer;

• JC would write the Pope and tell him that his hat makes him look like a dumbass;

These are just my ideas, of course, and you may have different ones.  Nevertheless, it is good to consider what you are signing up for before you buy into the WWJD movement.  I’m not sure that I could live up to the lifestyle of Jesus that I have conjured in my mind.  Therefore, I think that I’ll have to hold off on purchasing my WWJD necklace.  After truly thinking about JC’s 2002 lifestyle, I think I’ll be looking at those folks who brandish the WWJD symbol a little differently in the future.  Maybe I’ll invite them to my next party?
 

Idiot Sighting:  Surgeon, Providence, RI – A surgeon at Rhode Island Hospital operated on the wrong side of a man’s head after a CT scan was placed backward on an X-ray viewing box.  Incredible!  Everyone makes mistakes at work but, c’mon, you have to take a little more care when you are operating on a person than the kid working on McD’s.  In the article exposing this boob, it said that wrong-site surgery tops a list of 27 serious, preventable events.  That scares the hell out of me.  Make sure to put a big, red “X” on your injured body part the next time you are in for surgery.  Great job, Dr. Idiot.

Until next time, The Idiot