Recently, some of those people closest to me, who were recently exposed to this collection of articles, accused me of sounding like an angry, ranting, mindless ass.  They felt that my literary works belied the fact that I am an intelligent adult in possession of multiple college degrees.  Additionally, the profuse use of profanity was discouraged.  Given this critical critique of my work, I decided to try and write about something more wholesome and intellectual than my usual ramblings.  Looking for a wholesome and intellectual Muse, I turned to the Bible (my Mom would be so proud! – tear running down my cheek) and decided to discuss the life of Abraham.

      The patriarch of three faiths – Judaism, Christianity, and Islam – Abraham, his name at least, is known to most of the world.  However, many, myself included, do not know much about the life that this holy man led.  Abraham was born somewhere in between 2100-1000 B.C. in what is now southern Iraq.  His early life was uneventful, being raised in a farming and/or ranching family, although his family is thought to have been rather well off since Abraham is thought to have been educated.  Moving into adulthood, Abraham moved northwest into present-day Syria and married Sarah, a hot piece of…uh, I mean, a beautiful woman by all accounts.  When famine struck this land and Abraham decided to move his family west to Egypt, the story of his life begins to become very interesting.

      Fearing that Sarah’s big rack and…crap, uh, I mean, pooh, I’m slipping up…Sarah’s great beauty would bring him harm when the Pharaoh decided he wanted to tear off some of that sweet a.. – uh, if the Pharaoh coveted Sarah, Abraham asked Sarah to say that she was his sister.  As any good biblical wife would do, she complied and was promptly seized by the Pharaoh and horse-fuc, uh, became a member of his harem.  After bringing plagues to Egypt and the Pharaoh, Abraham retrieved Sarah, a bit worse for wear?, and left Egypt with silver, gold, and cattle.

      After leaving Egypt with his family, including his nephew Lot (of Sodom and Gomorrah fame – you think that is a coincidence?), Abraham heads back to the Syria area.  It is during this time that Abraham (with Sarah’s blessing apparently) starts nailing, sorry, bedding down with the couple’s Egyptian slave girl, Hagar.  Old Abraham has a child with Hagar, Ismael, and, for good measure, goes back and has one with Sarah as well, Isaac.  What a sly old dog!

      Although there is much more to the story, I’ll provide a quick summary of the end of Abraham’s life.  Sarah dies at age 127.  Abraham, still pumping along (literally), finds himself another wife, Keturah, and she bears him another six – yes, SIX! – kids.  Abraham then keels over at the ripe old age of 175.

      In reviewing the life of Abraham, I’m thinking that a life following the lessons in the Bible might not be so bad, or out of reach, for yours truly.  Heck, I’m already circumcised so I won’t have to do it to myself at age 99 like Abraham!  Maybe I should read a bit about Sodom and Gomorrah to help me decide?  If I follow the role models in the Bible, I should go to Heaven, right?  What if it all proves to be one big fictional work?  Then, fuck it (couldn’t make it through the whole article without my usual vulgarity), at least I will have had fun trying to reach the pearly gates, which is a lot more than I can say for most “Bible beaters” that I know.

Idiot Sighting:  Charles J. Bishop, Tampa, FL - Yes, this is the teen flight school student who decided to take his own life by re-enacting the Sept. 11^th tragedy at the World Trade Center.  Need I say more regarding this Idiot sighting.  What amplifies the idiocy displayed by the kid is the note left behind expressing sympathies for Osama bin Laden.  I just can’t find reasoning behind such sentiment.  At least the kid managed not to hurt anyone else in his final flight.  What a way to end your life – at 15.  Great job, Idiot.

Until next time, The Idiot